Nurturing Siblings and Building Trust: Stuart and Maria’s Journey in Foster Care
Date published
25 July 2024
25 July 2024
Stuart and Maria from the North Midlands began their fostering journey in September 2022. They are currently caring for siblings—a girl aged 8 and a boy aged 7—who were 6 and 5 when they first arrived.
"We’ve been together for over 30 years and had discussed fostering or adopting for years, but it was never the right time due to house moves and job changes," they shared. "We have one daughter of our own, now 21, and when she went to university, the house felt quiet. We thought, if we’re going to do it, now is the right time. We were keen on therapeutic fostering, and after a lot of research, Nexus Fostering stood out with what they offer."
Maria aged 52, hopes to become a nurse after discovering a passion for healthcare during lockdown while volunteering at a local hospital. Her flexible work schedule allows her to foster while Stuart, 52, a former head gardener at a private school, is the full-time carer for the children. Maria previously worked in journalism and marketing.
Stuart is the full time foster carer and as his full time job he explains "I feel there is still some stigma surrounding the idea of men being main carers and also for people to realise fostering is a full time career that can offer someone a complete change in role and lifestyle. We were always under the impression fostering was something that could be undertaken alongside your chosen career. I never even considered that I could completely change my chosen profession to do something so rewarding as being a full-time foster carer. This is made possible with the huge amount of free training, support, and advice from skilled professionals involved in Fostering."
Regarding the fostering process, Stuart and Maria said, “Initially, we had an idea of the age we wanted to foster. However, after numerous discussions with Nexus Fostering, we became more open-minded and prepared to foster any age. We had the space for two siblings and wanted a long-term placement.” They started by offering respite fostering to gain experience once they were approved foster carers. "Reading all the referrals was tough, but we left it in the hands of the social worker at Nexus Fostering. As new foster carers, we wanted what was best for the children."
Stuart and Maria discussed the fostering process: “During the initial meetings and training, we discussed certain traumas and behaviours. Any early preconceived ideas we had about fostering quickly disappeared, and we had to seriously ask ourselves if we were ready.”
After meeting with their social worker, things moved quickly. "When we were approached to take the siblings, I remember having the meeting, agreeing to the placements, and handing in my notice at work that afternoon. The children arrived a couple of weeks later." They prepared the bedrooms, knowing the youngest liked dinosaurs and got a few toys before they arrived.
When the siblings arrived, Stuart said, “We had a honeymoon period of about four or five days, then started to see some of the extreme behaviours we had discussed during training. Initially, it was tough; we experienced hitting, screaming, spitting, crying, and difficult evenings as they would never switch off.”
They discussed the support they have received from Nexus Fostering, “We’ve had regular meetings with a therapist who has discussed various ways of tackling the behaviour and how we can approach it, which has been helpful. Understanding the children’s brains and how they’ve been affected by trauma is amazing.”
Often, parts of a child's past may be missing, and certain behaviours and traumas may not be known before the placement. Stuart said, “We knew very little about the children before they came into our care, but once they were with us, we requested certain information, which really helped us understand their behaviour. What the siblings had been through was difficult, but Nexus Fostering has helped us navigate through it. You can do all the training in the world, but nothing prepares you for when they come to live with you and it’s your life 24/7.”
The siblings are now settled and thriving. “We live in a lovely little village right next to their school. They have lots of friends in the area and are much happier and settled. Occasionally, the behaviours still occur, and they are having play therapy. We know it will never be straightforward, but the difference in them is phenomenal.”
Stuart and Maria also discussed their birth daughter’s relationship with the foster children. “Our daughter fully supported us from the beginning. Initially, she found it difficult as she’s protective of us and would come back from university to see their behaviours. It was completely new to her, whereas we lived with it every day. However, she sees them as her younger siblings and is getting more familiar with their journey. She plans on moving back near us once she finishes university, which will be nice.”
“We have a good relationship with their birth mum and dad and take them to see them every eight weeks. They also have two younger siblings who have been adopted, and we are arranging a face-to-face meeting for all of them. We all work hard to keep that relationship going as it’s what’s best for the children and their futures.”
One of their fondest memories was taking the children on their first holiday. “They had never been abroad or had passports. Their faces lit up when they saw their passports. We saw their behaviour improve straightaway, although the night before the holiday, the eldest didn't believe we were actually going to take her causing dysregulated behaviour. When they realised the next morning they were still going on holiday, their faces lit up. As time goes on, the trust builds.”
Their biggest achievement has been watching the children's trust grow. “It feels like they have always been with us and always been part of our life. I really wouldn’t change anything and couldn’t imagine life without them. Nexus Fostering really couldn’t have found a more perfect match for our family. The children are brilliant and patient with us as we learn on the job.”
Dealing with various behaviours and fatigue has been challenging. “We’ve learned different de-escalation techniques from training but applying them in real life is hard sometimes. When children have come from trauma and have an insecure attachment, simple tasks like housework can make them feel unwanted and rejected. You have to remove your feelings and navigate around the children’s emotions.”
Finding time for themselves has been challenging. “Our bedtime routine is particularly important for us all to recharge, so we’ve worked hard to stick to this. We take turns with each child, read stories, and they enjoy hearing stories about my childhood. We have created a fairy garden where our young girl writes letters about her day and feelings, and we write back to her, which she loves.”
The siblings dealt with being in foster care differently. Maria shared, “The young boy has always been open about being in foster care and tells everyone how much he loves being with us. Our young girl struggled with her identity at first but recently opened up about it at school, which was a massive moment for her. The school has been brilliant.”
Maria explains, “You need the skin of a rhino but the sensitivity of a kitten. Don’t take anything personally and detach your feelings from each situation. The children are constantly on high alert and need reassurance after what they’ve been through.”
“We’ve come a long way since they first arrived. Initially, if I wanted to pop to the shop, the children would cling to me, fearing I wouldn’t return. Now, trust has built to the point where we can go out in the evening and have my mum babysit so we can have our own time together.”
“We always do our best, but sometimes we get it wrong. It’s important to realise when you’ve made a mistake and come together to communicate.” Stuart added, “Humour is huge in our house and has helped us diffuse situations and get through tough times. The kids trust us, but you also have to trust Nexus Fostering and the social workers—they know what they’re doing, and we couldn’t recommend them enough.”
Inspired by Stuart and Maria’s story and have space to help siblings? Contact our Telford Office at 01952 916002 or visit www.nexusfostering.co.uk.
Fostering stories
25 July 2024
